Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable
by DarkShadowFlame
Summary: Téa never thought she’d have anything in common with Seto Kaiba. She especially didn’t think it’d be homicidal rage directed toward Joey. But every girl has a threshold… and being locked in a bathroom just might push Téa over hers. [slight ST]
1. Joey

Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

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Summary: Téa never thought she'd have anything in common with Seto Kaiba. She especially didn't think it'd be homicidal rage directed toward Joey. But every girl has a threshold… and being locked in a bathroom just might push Téa over hers. [SetoTéa undertones]

Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: This is in NO WAY a Joey-bashing fic. I love Joey. This isn't intended to bash _anyone_. This is for sake of humor alone. Also, SetoTéa was never intended, but it's enough so that I wanted to warn people in the summary.

Credit: Thanks a BILLION to Dragon's 1 Girl, who helped me come up with half of my working list for this. I could NOT have done this without you- I admit, you're much better at being malicious than I am. :P

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Funny.

She'd never thought that she'd have anything in common with Seto Kaiba.

She especially never thought it'd be homicidal rage directed towards Joey Wheeler.

Yet here she sat, fists clenching and unclenching, breathing heavy, eyes flashing, happily visualizing every possible painful act of torture under the sun that she'd commence to deal to her ex-best-friend.

If she ever got out of here.

So this was what 'bloodthirsty' felt like. It was oddly satisfying.

Téa Gardner accidentally growled under her breath, causing the other occupant in the room to look over at her coldly. "Save your energy," he drawled.

She focused her newly-perfected laser glare at Kaiba. He should really know better. She was an enraged female, liable to turn on the first target in sight since the true object of her blazing hatred was out of reach.

And it was this out-of-reachness that, ironically, was enraging her so.

"Save my energy?" she hissed venomously. "Kaiba. We are _locked_ in a _bathroom_."

Kaiba looked around lazily, taking in the small window, peeling wallpaper, and rusted toilet. "So we are," he delivered with a perfect poker face. "At least we have plenty to drink." He smirked.

She stared at him in horror. "That's _disgusting_!"

Kaiba allowed his smirk to deepen, knowing he'd gotten her. "I was referring to the faucet, of course." He nodded to her left. She craned her head to see the white porcelain sink, and her cheeks grew red.

"I knew that."

Kaiba merely snorted, leaning back against the wall. Téa had sunk, in abject despair, to sit with her back leaning against the door. Joey had been gone at least half an hour. _'I'll be back in a flash, Téa! Don't you worry!'_

Yeah, right. She ground her teeth together. She was going to kill him. Kill. Kill. Kill.

"This is all your fault," she muttered at Kaiba. Yes, she was most definitely falling into the old trap. When the person you _want_ to murder isn't around, be satisfied with _any_ victim.

"This is not my fault," Kaiba snapped back. Aha. Their situation was getting to him too. Cold and silent sarcasm was giving way to open irritation. "If you want to blame anyone, blame Wheeler."

"I do," came her prompt reply. "I blame you for starting the fight. I blame Joey's manager for making him stay late to close up. And I blame Joey for rising to your crude bait, locking the door, getting me stuck with you, and generally being a prick."

Was it her imagination, or had he snorted in laughter?

The whole evening seemed to be full of ironic humor. She was sure that if this had been happening to Yugi or someone, instead of her, she'd be laughing too. But nooo… it was _Téa _who had decided to stop by RainbowTech's main office building to visit Joey and see how he was doing in his new janitorial job. It was _Téa_ who had heard angry shouts coming from the bathroom, and gone in to investigate. It was _Téa_ who had entered to see Joey spewing a stream of insults at Kaiba, there on a business meeting. And it was _Téa _who had gotten locked in the bathroom when Joey angrily stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

She gnashed her teeth, remembering how she'd first rolled her eyes at his childish behavior, then tried to exit the small room as well. When she realized it was locked, she was more annoyed than worried. She called back for Joey.

_'Oops_.'

She'd known she was in trouble as soon as he uttered that word in a sheepish, but not nearly repentful enough, tone.

And she'd grown steadily more homicidal as Joey confessed he'd been left behind to lock up after he finished cleaning, the manager had warned him to only close the bathroom door when he was sure he was done for the night, and he'd just pulled out and gone home with the only keys.

So Joey left, promising to return with a way to unlock them soon. As soon as that door opened, she was going to lunge for his neck.

"Why were you here so late, anyway?" Téa asked grouchily.

Kaiba glared at her. "I was in a business meeting. You knew that."

"So why'd the manager leave before you did?" she challenged, glaring right back.

"What, Gardner? You think I orchestrated this so I'd have the golden opportunity of being stranded in a _bathroom_ with you? I had to actually _use_ the restroom, thank you very much, so the manager walked out ahead of me. But when I came in here, I found the mutt cleaning the toilet." He scowled. "It wasn't entirely surprising, I must confess. I just wondered why he wasn't _drinking_ from it."

"So of course, you had to start a fight," Téa muttered viciously. "You couldn't just be civilized."

"Civilized?" Kaiba rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "I wasn't the one scrubbing the toilet."

She glared at him. "It's not funny. Joey needed this job!"

"Well, he won't be having it for long," Kaiba scowled maliciously. "Not after I get in contact with his manager."

"Kaiba!" she exclaimed, standing up to scowl at him. "That's not fair!"

"Last time I checked, you were just as mad at being stuck in here as me!" he bellowed.

"Of course I am! But that's mostly because I'm stuck here with _you_- you're such a jerk!" she exploded, waving her hands in the air. "Stupid or not, it was an accident! You have no right to get Joey fired! You're such a spoiled brat, you don't know what it's like to need money to survive!"

Kaiba's eyes flared in anger. He stormed forward. She instinctively jumped backwards, cowering, but he stormed over to the toilet and slammed his hand down on the flusher.

They both watched the water spin away noisily. Téa was the first to giggle. Kaiba didn't exactly laugh, but he did give a loud sigh and slump back against the wall.

"Why did you do that?" she asked, her giggles dying away.

"Because physically harming you might have gotten me into some public-relation problems," he said dryly. "You don't know the sheer amount of work I have to do, Gardner. Take being in this damned business meeting close to midnight."

"We all work," she grumbled. "I was walking home from a six-hour dance practice. Joey was cleaning this whole stupid building. You don't see any of _us_ dealing with stress by acting like assholes."

"I don't see you dealing with stress anywhere close to mine, either," he snapped.

She shut her eyes, resuming her dejected position by the door. "Forget it."

She didn't have to be looking at him to know he was scowling. '_Put him out of your mind_', she told herself. _'Think about something more pleasant.'_

_'I'm going to kill Joey.'_

_'Kill.'_

_'Kill.'_

"I'm going to dissect him," Téa muttered viciously, curling her hands into a fist. "I'm going to dismember him. Stupid, stupid, stupid Joey. He is SO. DEAD."

"This is new," Kaiba drawled. "Can it be? Wheeler's favorite cheerleader is turning on him?"

"I'm not his favorite, Tristan is," she snapped without thinking.

This time she wasn't imagining it. He'd _definitely_ laughed.

She opened her eyes to examine him. He scowled back.

"Whatever," she muttered. "But just wait 'till I get out. I am going to make his life a living hell."

"How do you propose to do that?" Kaiba asked. Funny. He almost sounded _interested_. But heck, she was going to die of boredom if she didn't do something. And right now, she had little qualms about conspiring with the enemy to plot Joey's demise.

She thought about it a minute. "Empty his refrigerator," she said finally, a cold glint in her eyes.

Kaiba snorted, turning his head so she couldn't see the grin on his face.

"What?" she demanded, rising up and putting her hands on her hips.

"You must be _really_ mad," he said, still hiding his eyes from her. "That would devastate Wheeler."

"Of course I'm mad," she said snappishly. "It's midnight, I've been dancing for the last six hours, all I had for dinner was a candy bar… I'm exhausted." She was getting ready to yell at him again when she realized he was smiling. Slowly, Téa sunk back to the floor, studying her hands. She allowed herself to start laughing quietly.

"Personally," Kaiba said slowly, after a pause, "I'd have to go for something more psychologically scarring."

"That's not scarring enough?" she asked, cocking her head, eagerly awaiting his idea.

"Hmm. Perhaps. But something more to my taste- I would favor crouching outside his window while he slept. And whispering '_Puppy dog…_' So it invaded his dreams."

Téa threw her head back and gave into the giggles. It was surprising how much fun this was. "I can hardly imagine you hiding in a tree outside Joey's window," she admitted. "Although I could certainly imagine him having nightmares from that."

"You've got a point," Kaiba said, considering. He didn't notice the way her eyebrows shot up when he acquiesced to her. "Maybe send him an anonymous dog collar."

Téa snorted in laughter. "Why not send him the whole costume?" she suggested brightly.

"Even better!" Kaiba said in malicious delight. "Or… it'll be Halloween soon."

"Wonder if I can persuade him to go trick-or-treating as a puppy," Téa grinned, picking up on his train of thought.

They both smirked in unison, both picturing Joey as he'd been in Duke's Dungeon Dice Monster's Duel. As if reading Téa's mind, Kaiba suggested, "I taped that duel, you know. Between Devlin and Moto. There were quite a few good shots of the mutt."

Téa shrieked in laughter as she remembered Joey prancing around with those cheerleaders in the puppy dog suit. "Broadcast it to the city," she suggested gleefully.

"You know, I'm seriously considering it," Kaiba smirked, pushing himself away from the wall and pacing back and forth. She followed him with her eyes, remembering something…

"Kaiba? Didn't you say you had to go to the bathroom?"

He stared at her. At the toilet. At her again.

"Not that badly."

"I promise I won't look," Téa said, the corners of her mouth twitching uncontrollably.

He glowered at her. "No. I have self-control."

She hooted, avoiding his evil glare. "It's up to you…" she said, grinning mischievously. "It's not _my_ bladder."

Kaiba seethed. They both fell silent. Téa nervously tapped her fingers against the tile. She couldn't stand the quiet any longer. She should have known better than to tease him… Things had been much better when they were both making fun of Joey.

Joey. Grrr. She was still mad at him.

"Send him love letters from Weevil Underwood," she said, on impulse.

"Send him love letters from _Pegasus_," came Kaiba's immediate reply.

They locked eyes. They both grinned again.

"Get Ishizu to predict his untimely demise," Téa put forth tentatively. Kaiba rolled his eyes, as she knew he would.

"Better yet," Téa continued, undeterred. "Get Ishizu to predict that he'll meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger." When Kaiba raised his eyebrows at her, she added: "Someone else after Yugi's Puzzle."

Kaiba laughed out loud, no doubt thinking malicious things about Yugi as well. "Send Wheeler invitations to a dozen imaginary tournaments," he suggested, his eyes gleaming wickedly.

"That's pretty low…" Téa said, impressed despite herself.

"Write up articles about Duelist Kingdom and Battle City, lavishing attention on every finalist but him," Kaiba said, his eyes sparkling evilly.

"Run them in your company newsletter," Téa added with a giggle. Kaiba nodded, beginning to pace again.

"Speaking of newsletters…" she said thoughtfully. "Run those pictures of Joey in a dog costume in the school newspaper."

"You have pictures?" he asked, sounding… proud? He probably had never thought he'd find an ally in Téa.

"Of _course_," she told him. "I downloaded them off the Internet."

He laughed again. It was an unusual sound, and kind of nice. She'd only ever heard him laugh maliciously before, when he was dueling Yugi or beating some random opponent or making fun of Joey…

Oh yeah.

"Redecorate his bedroom," she reeled off. "With flowers. Lots of flowers."

"Is he allergic?" Kaiba asked hopefully.

"I think so," she grinned, scrunching up her nose.

"Excellent." He sunk down next to her. "Wave a hotdog under his nose. Then eat it."

She burst out laughing. "Send him into a burger joint, but warn all the waiters not to serve him."

"Evil."

"Thanks."

They thought for a few minutes, then Kaiba reeled off a few good ones. "Flick inedible things at him during class. Find him a good monkey to duel. Train my attack dogs to target the scent of Wheeler."

"A dueling monkey," Téa snorted. "How'd you know Tristan always made fun of him for that?"

"Taylor? He's not exactly one to talk, is he?"

Téa burst out into giggles, leaning her head against the door with a thunk. "Good point. Heh. I'd nearly forgotten about that."

"How could you forget?" Kaiba asked, sounding amused. "That little robotic monkey will haunt my sleep forever more."

"Ewww…" she said, wrinkling her nose and laughing again. "Hey- on the subject of Tristan, set up a date with him and Serenity."

"Or _Devlin_ and Wheeler junior," Kaiba added, making a disgusted face.

"Or both."

"Gross."

He said it so petulantly Téa _had_ to laugh. "Suggest hopscotch as a good alternative to Duel Monsters," she suggested mischievously, laughter renewed at the sight of his horrified face.

"Never!" He paused to consider. "Replace his deck with yours," he said slyly, shooting her a glance. It took her a minute to realize what he was saying, and she squeaked indignantly and smacked his arm.

"That's not very nice!"

He chuckled lowly. "Replace his shampoo with lye," he offered after a while.

Téa's eyes widened. "That's… maybe a little _too_ evil for my taste," she admitted.

"Hmm? Losing your resolve, Gardner?"

"Never!" she shot him a pretend-offended look. "Honey would work."

"That'd be good too…" he said thoughtfully.

"Or just try to convince him to wear his hair like Tristan," Téa said, her eyes sparkling.

"Or Moto," Kaiba snorted.

"Give him a makeover while sleeping." Téa's face lit up, obviously plotting what an evil revenge that would be.

Kaiba eyed her warily, then suggested, "Sign him up for etiquette classes."

Téa broke out into giggles, picturing anyone trying to teach Joey etiquette. "Or ballroom dancing," she contributed.

"Gods, that'd be horrible," Kaiba muttered, and they both smiled.

"Call him 'blondie'," Téa offered. "Bandit Keith called him that once."

Kaiba rolled his eyes in obvious distaste for the duelist. "Give him a T-shirt with a Red-Eyes being stomped on by Blue-Eyes," he suggested wickedly.

She sighed in fond exasperation. "You boys and your dragons…" she said, shaking her head. "Send love letters to Mai Valentine with _his_ return address."

It was Kaiba's turn to sigh. "You girls and your romance…" he said teasingly. She cocked her head to grin at him.

"Touché."

After a slight pause, Téa hesitantly said, "Sic the city's fangirls on him."

Kaiba let out a rude snort. "Wheeler has fangirls?"

"Maybe not as many as you…" she said, grinning and daringly poking him in the side. He looked duly horrified.

"Vicious, slobbering creatures, they are…" he muttered darkly, looking surprised when she chortled in laughter again. He thought for a minute. "Have my blimp fly over the city, broadcasting 'YOU STINK, WHEELER'!!"

She broke out in giggles again. He'd said it so _gleefully_. "Send him to Weightwatcher's camp!" she suggested merrily.

They snorted in laughter. Téa lolled her head to the side, but quickly jerked it up when she came dangerously close to resting it on Kaiba's shoulder. He turned his head to peer at her, and she felt a slight blush rising; they were awfully close. She was staring right into his eyes, still sparkling with a slightly malicious air. "Date," she said quietly.

He blinked. He obviously hadn't gotten that one. "What?"

"Date," she said, fighting away the blush. "You and me. It'd drive him crazy."

He just looked at her. "Someone's coming," he finally said, very quietly.

"What?" It was her turn to be confused.

"Someone's coming," he repeated, shifting away from the wall and standing up. She heard it now: footsteps on the stairs.

As Joey scrambled with the lock, Téa clambered away from the door as well, bumping into Kaiba. Automatically, he brought his hand up to rest on her shoulder and steady her.

"Taa-daa!" Joey said, beaming. "And it only took me an hour and fifteen minutes! See, there was this blacksmith down the street, and he did the locks for this place, and once I gave him my employee ID card… KAIBA GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!"

Téa and Kaiba exchanged glances. "Thanks, Joey," Téa said brightly, wrapping her arm around Kaiba's waist. "It was no problem. Kaiba and I haven't been able to spend too much time together anyway."

"We have a date tomorrow, remember?" Kaiba said, nuzzling the top of her head. "Let's go home and rest up. You don't want to be too tired for it."

"You're right…" she said, grinning tiredly. "G'night, Joey."

They swept out of the tiny bathroom that had been their prison for what felt like forever, turning sideways so they could continue to hold each other as they edged past a flabbergasted Joey Wheeler.

"What did I do to deserve this?" he questioned bemusedly.


	2. Joey

Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

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Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: I actually intended for that to be a one-shot, but forgot to tell people. Oops. Anyway, to tie up a couple of loose ends (including that one) I wrote this quick epilogue of sorts.

Thanks: To everyone who reviewed. Wow… I didn't think this silly bit of fluff would be that well-received. You're all great!

Dedication: To Mamono. I actually meant to dedicate the last chapter to you, but it got cut it off. -.- I was just trying to thank you for being such a good buddy/listener/sounding board/source of endless humor for the months that we've been friends!

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Funny again.

This time, she could actually appreciate it.

For her part, Téa had never _intended_ to go on a date with Kaiba. It was just too easy to get to Joey. And she was sure Kaiba would shrivel up in horror and die if she'd proposed following through with what had started out as a silly little joke.

Yet it was the night of the supposed date, and here she was, sitting side-by-side with Kaiba under the dark velvet sky, with a thousand stars twinkling overhead. The two of them were laughing, and Téa's face was flushed as she fed Kaiba a piece of chocolate.

To clear up the inherent misconstruction:

Téa had snuck out of her house at around midnight and made for the Wheeler's. She knew where Joey kept his spare key, and she was willing to break in to make him squirm. He'd spent two hours earlier that day on the phone with her, informing her of all the ways in which Kaiba was a jerk and why she should date someone sane, like… um…

At that point, Joey had forgotten what he was supposed to be talking about.

In any case, he'd made several slights upon her in the course of the lecture- she did _not_ wear a padded bra- and that jerk was going to pay tonight.

Tomorrow, of course, things would return to normal. But Téa had discovered that being malicious was addicting.

So she'd taken the shortcut through the Wheeler's backyard- and that's where things got interesting.

"Kaiba?" she whispered when she was still a good distance away. She didn't know anyone else that tall.

Kaiba didn't respond right away. He was murmuring something under his breath. As she tentatively crept closer, he flicked a switch, knelt in front of the slightly cracked open window, and pulled something towards him.

"What on earth are you doing?" Téa asked, kneeling beside him. In response, he showed her the tiny tool he'd been using. After she stared at it a few seconds, it became clear what it was.

"A microphone?" she wondered aloud.

"On an extended track," Kaiba explained, moving the lever to show her how he could guide the microphone anywhere within a ten-foot radius. "I have the other end," he added, tapping his breast pocket.

"Oh no…" she said slowly, realizing what was going on. "You did it, didn't you?"

"Did what?" he asked innocently, his blue eyes twinkling merrily.

"You put that microphone next to Joey's ear while he was sleeping and started ranting about puppy dogs!" she accused.

"Did not."

_" 'M not a dog… go 'way… …all right, all right, just put the collar away- Woof! Woof!"_

Joey's voice drifted across the yard. Téa crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow at Kaiba.

"Well… maybe I did a little," Kaiba acknowledged, staring right back at Téa.

She spun away from the window and clamped a hand over her mouth to prevent her laughter from waking up Joey. They'd have a lot of explaining to do, otherwise: they were lucky he slept like the dead.

"And you're here because…?" Kaiba asked, when her giggles had subsided.

She straightened, composing her face again. Solemnly, she crooked a finger at him. Curious, Kaiba trailed her to the front of the house, where Téa reached up and unscrewed the lightbulb. A single brass key fell out.

"Joey _always_ forgets his so he keeps a spare," Téa muttered, carefully replacing the bulb. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the slightly wolfish expression on Kaiba's face. He bent down and reached for the key, but before he could pick it up and wreak all kinds of havoc, Téa deliberately put her foot on top of it. Kaiba scowled at her, and made as if to shove her out of the way, but Téa scooped the key up and unlocked the front door. Placing a finger to her lips, she led Kaiba inside and directly to the right, where the small kitchen was.

"We're going to empty it," she told him, barely breathing in case she woke Joey. They were lucky that he was the only inhabitant of the house; he'd informed her a few days ago that his dad was on a business trip for the next month.

Kaiba grinned again, a decidedly evil look for such a happy facial expression. He nodded once, then went straight for the refrigerator, pulling out bottle after bottle of soda and piling them up in his arms. Téa scavenged through all the cupboards, yanking out bags of chips and sliding them across the floor to the front hall.

They spent ten minutes silently removing all traces of food from his kitchen, and Téa spent ten minutes convincing herself that a little harmless prank once in a while wasn't a bad thing, and that Joey wouldn't really die after five minutes of starvation while he sprinted to Tristan's. Then she remembered all the pranks he'd ever pulled on _her_, including the time he put the Funny Bunny plushee inside her mailbox with a little tag that said "Love Pegasus", and her resolve renewed.

"Do you think he'll find it?" she asked Kaiba doubtfully.

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "We hid the food in the bushes in his backyard. Will he sniff it out? Maybe. Will he come looking? Yeah, right."

She snorted with laughter. "All right, I suppose our work here is finished," she murmured proudly, gazing at the sky. It was a beautiful night- apparently the celestial beings approved. Her gaze wandered slightly until her eyes fell upon the corner of a bright red box: "Aw, man! Chocolate!"

"Chocolate?" Kaiba asked doubtfully, as she crouched down and picked up the box. It was only half-empty, a true miracle considering where it had come from.

"Have one," she offered, placing the sticky treat inside her own mouth. The chocolate immediately fell apart, filling her entire mouth with the deliciously comforting taste.

Kaiba rolled her eyes. "I don't think so," he said, rising to his feet and dusting off his hands. Téa remained obstinately on the ground.

"Joey'd share," she lied, grinning. "It's our reward for a job well done! These are the _best_ chocolates in Domino!"

Kaiba stared distastefully at the box. "Mokuba likes those," he mused.

"You've had them before, right?"

"No."

"_No_?" Téa stared at him in disbelief. "You _have_ to eat one! Come on!"

"I don't think so," he said, trying to back away. In a flash, she was on her feet, holding the chocolate treat before her.

"Eat it!"

"No!"

Téa leapt forward, taking Kaiba completely by surprise, and mashed it up against his mouth. Unfortunately, it wasn't entirely open, so far more smeared across his face. "Mmpf!"

"Good, isn't it?" she asked in satisfaction. He gaped at her for a long moment, then started chuckling in a low tone. She joined in with high giggles, realizing what exactly she'd done.

After Kaiba wiped his face clean, admitted that the chocolate 'wasn't bad', and gave her several idle death threats, they were ready to part their ways.

"You know, Gardner," Kaiba said slowly, as they cut through Joey's backyard again and ended up on the sidewalk. "For a bubbly airhead cheerleader… you have potential."

She was still laughing a bit, and she smiled at him, but inside she was seething '_Airhead?_'

"For an icy, rude, billionaire asshole, you're not too bad either," she said, fixing him with a bright but sharp look. Kaiba must have missed the danger in the stare, however, because he chucked and walked away, bidding her a farewell.

So of course, she took the only recourse possible.

The next day, after listening to Joey rant for another two hours about how the food ran away from home, she plunged in.

"Hey Joey? I've been thinking…

"You know what'd be a good way to get revenge upon someone who's insulted us in the past? Prank 'em. Find out what's most likely to get them annoyed, and then do it. There are a couple of people who really need to get a bit more humor into their lives. We can get someone who's otherwise really uptight.

"Someone like Seto Kaiba…"


	3. Kaiba

Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

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Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: I give, I give- I decided to continue this for one or two more chapters. Actually, I'm having fun writing this; it's my way to vent when school gets overwhelming. Happy reading!

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Joey pressed his back to the warm brick wall, cradling the gun in his hands, taking care not to be seen from the opposite side through the chain-link fence that replaced the brick several feet down. He was on a mission, and it wouldn't do to be caught before he could bring Seto Kaiba down.

He and his accomplice had spent yesterday afternoon studying Kaiba's behavior patterns intently. Relying on the knowledge that Kaiba was really more of a machine than a person, they were assuming he followed the same routine daily. This hypothesis was about to be tested, and it appeared it would hold; Joey saw the tip of Kaiba's shadow coming around the bend. Taking a deep breath, he waited for precisely the right moment, then leapt from under cover and opened fire.

_Squuuuuirt_

When Joey had completely emptied the tanks of the water gun, he stopped pumping and grinned nervously. All the while Joey had been soaking him, Kaiba hadn't moved. He'd frozen, rigidly clutching his briefcase, and allowing Joey to move the stream of water from the front of his shirt down to his expensive shoes and finally scoring a direct hit to the face.

"Haha?" Joey tried.

His hair matted down, Kaiba slowly set down the briefcase and turned to stare at Joey. The hapless blonde gulped, then made an instant decision.

He dropped the water gun and fled, charging along the brick wall and making for the relative safety of the school. Kaiba was temporarily cut off from him, but he was sure it wouldn't take the angry duelist long to find a break in the chain-link fence. Or maybe he'd just scale it. Joey gulped as he charged straight for the door, arm flung out to open it as he ran so he didn't have to stop.

The door was locked. Joey smashed into it, crushing his arm and whacking his face.

"…ooowww…"

He managed to stagger to his feet and shove open the door next to it. Thankfully, this one wasn't locked already, and he sprinted into the school. But where to hide? The school day had only ended a few minutes ago, and though the hallways were deserted, the rooms were full of kids in after-school clubs or detention. His buddy Tristan might even have been in one of those rooms, although Joey thought he'd served his time yesterday.

He was suddenly sure that he didn't want to be in one of the classrooms. The empty ones were locked, and if he went into one of the full ones he'd either end up in Latin Club (torture), Glee Club (even worse!), or detention (which wasn't that awful, but he didn't feel like having another one on his record). Making a split-second decision, he bolted for his locker. He opened it, smelt the old sneakers and saw the piles of paper stacked up to his knees, slammed it, and bolted for Téa's locker.

Finding only a pair of ballet slippers and a tidy stack of books at the bottom, Joey climbed in without hesitation and managed to slam the door behind him. It couldn't have come any later, too, because no sooner had the echo of the locker door closing faded away than he heard something slam into the entrance to the school. Despite himself, he grinned. Seemed that Kaiba had been introduced to the barred door as well.

A second later, the other one slowly creaked open. Joey gulped, hearing his heart pound. Kaiba didn't seem to be doing anything, but Joey could picture his nemesis: Standing in front of the door, a wind blowing his trenchcoat menacingly, his icy blue eyes narrowed and his upper lip drawn back in a snarl, hungering for Joey's blood…

Then he remembered that Kaiba would be soaking wet, too, and had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing.

The footsteps began advancing forward menacingly. Joey cowered, pressing himself deep into the locker, which was about another half-inch. A shadow passed over the ventilation slits, and Joey's eyes grew huge. Was this the end?

But, thankfully, no. Kaiba continued on his way; the idea must have never occurred to him that Joey would take refuge inside a locker. The blonde let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding; he would be safe for the next 16 or so hours. Then he'd have to come to school again and face Kaiba.

Right across from Téa's locker was a still-open classroom; although the door was closed, the lights were on and Joey could hear voices floating from it. Gathering his nerve, he leaned forward and peeked through the tiny slits in his locker. Kaiba was passing by the classroom, peering carefully through the window. Apparently not seeing Joey, he was about to move on his way, when one voice in the classroom rose above the others. It was a very distinct voice:

"Dat's my donut! Give it ta me!" the Brooklyn accent cried out sharply.

Actually growling, Kaiba whirled around and shoved open the door, kicking it for good measure. He practically _flew_ in there, and while Joey was still blinking and trying to figure out who else in the school sounded like they were from New York, the screaming started.

"Ruuuuun!!!" one boy bellowed, emerging from the classroom first. He didn't wait to see if anyone else was following, but took his own advice, sprinting down the hallway. More came after him; three girls were clutching hands and dashing desperately away. One by one, the rest of Joey's classmates came charging out, either screaming or bumping into each other or both. They all sprinted down the hall and disappeared around the bend.

Joey kept blinking, because he still wasn't entirely sure what was going on. Then three more people emerged from the room, a fairly odd trio: Seto Kaiba, and if looks could kill the whole school would have been vaporized; Miss Ashbury, the drama club coach, a sixty-year old woman with face like a lemon and a personality to match; and a freshman Joey recognized as being the only kid in the school shorter than Yugi.

"What were you thinking?" Miss Ashbury was demanding angrily, shaking her finger dangerously close to Kaiba's face. The boy, predictably, remained silently glowering. "We were rehearsing for our play when you come storming in, turning over the costume rack and screaming for your dog! Animals are _not_ allowed in this school!"

"I wasn't calling my dog," Kaiba corrected, seething. "I was hollering 'Mutt, you die!'."

"Yes, well, that's the same thing! And it's not the point, Mister Kaiba! You should be ashamed of yourself for causing such mayhem!"

Kaiba smirked, but the third kid decided to pipe up. "Yeah! And it was during my big line, too!"

Joey cringed. Stupid underclassmen. Kaiba might not be allowed to kill Miss Ashbury, but no one would care if another freshman went missing!

Kaiba turned his frigid glare on the kid, and he evidentially seemed to realize his mistake, shrinking away and appearing even shorter. "Oh?" Kaiba asked, his voice icy.

"Y-y-yeah," the kid stuttered, and Joey put his head in his hands (smushing his elbows to do so, since space was unsurprisingly limited). "I only h-have one line in the play, when Justin steals my donut, and I f-f-finally got the accent right!"

Both Joey and Kaiba stiffened. "Excuse me?" Kaiba asked, his voice deceptively calm. "_What_ play is this again?"

" 'Life in New York'," the freshman answered promptly. Stupid. Kaiba's eyes shot open, and he uttered a noisy growl, and the kid finally decided he'd had enough. Giving a last squeak of fright, he turned tail and fled, his shot legs churning as he hurried down the hallway and disappeared.

Miss Ashbury glowered at Kaiba, but Joey was convinced that Kaiba had half the school on his payroll. Sure enough, she didn't say anything. She just stormed back into the classroom and emerged a second later with her bag, shutting off the lights and locking the door. She passed by Kaiba with an indignant sniff and left the building.

Kaiba stood there, composing himself for a few minutes. Then, apparently deciding he'd had enough for one day and could kill Joey at his leisure tomorrow, he headed off down the hall.

Joey gave a relieved sigh, a very noisy one. He supposed he'd better count to a thousand, just to be sure Kaiba was _really_ gone.

_One… two… three… four…_

_Okay, this is boring. I'm outta here._

But before Joey could move, the door he and Kaiba had entered the school by swung open. He rolled his eyes and slumped back against the locker, resigned to wait until whoever it was had passed.

And then he heard a very familiar girly giggle.

And then he heard a very familiar chuckle.

And then he heard a very familiar soft laugh.

Disbelievingly, he leaned forward and peered through the tiny slits. There was his baby sister, Serenity. And there was his supposed best friend, Tristan Taylor, hanging off her right arm. And there was his former arch-nemesis and tormentor (second only to Kaiba), Duke Devlin, hanging off Serenity's left arm.

In case anyone was wondering, Duke was the one with the girly giggle.

"Yeah, and then I creamed Joey in a duel," Duke said casually, flicking away his bangs with his free hand and tightening his grip on Serenity with the other. "And- you'll never believe it- I made him dress up! In a dog suit!"

He giggled again, but Serenity's brow creased. Uncertainly, she forced herself to join in laughter.

"Don't be a jerk, Devlin," Tristan said loudly, yanking Serenity over to his side. "Yugi kicked your sorry butt five minutes later. And Joey was _winning_ that duel, right until the last minute anyway."

"Hey!" Duke protested, grabbing Serenity back. She winced.

"Uh, guys-"

"_HEY!_" Joey shouted, pounding on the locker door. "_You get your hands away from her!_" Annoyed, he went to climb out of the locker and commence with some serious pounding.

And that's when he realized the imminent problem.

_"Whose stupid idea was it to NOT put knobs on the INSIDE of locker doors???_"

"Do you hear something?" Serenity questioned innocently, looking around.

"Naah," Tristan said, putting his other arm around her and looking remarkably like he was about to strangle her. "Come on, I'll tell you about how I taught Joey to duel."

"You've probably never played a game in your life!" Duke protested, wriggling his hands in between Serenity and Tristan.

"Have so!"

_"Hey! Can't you hear me, you losers? I can see you! Get away from my sister or I'll rip your heads off! Can't you see that she looks like she's gonna hurl?_"

"Aah, guys," Serenity tried again timidly. Joey could just barely see her face. She did look like she was going to throw up, but there was a spark of something else in her eyes. Was it mischief?

He'd ask her about it later. _"Devlin and Taylor, step away from the girl! Yeah, you heard me! Now!"_ He banged on the locker door furiously, willing it to open.

"Remember, _I_ gave my life for you back in Kaiba's lame virtual world," Tristan reminded her.

"Oh… yes…"

"Yeah, but I stayed back and helped her win the duel, which she couldn't have done otherwise!" Duke snapped back. They were heading further down the hall, away from Joey's angry bangs and shouts.

_"Hey! Away! Back! Off!_"

"I jumped off that roof, too!"

"And I guided her away from the Mad Sword Beast!"

"Oh yes, I forgot, you held her hand while I was _latched onto the stupid horn_!"

"Heroism comes in all forms."

_"You morons!_"

"Yeah: heroic and idiotic."

"_Aagh_"

And then they were gone. Joey continued ranting angrily, but all that happened was that his throat was starting to hurt. Eventually, he gave up and slumped back, still fuming. That was so bizarre. Why were Tristan and Duke here after class ended? If Tristan didn't have a detention, he'd bolt, and Joey had never known Duke to hang around late either. And why the heck was Serenity here? She didn't go to this school. And if she were in town, why hadn't she told him?

Something fishy was going on…

x

x

Kaiba arrived home from his office later that night, tired, exasperated, but at least dry. Mokuba greeted him at the front door with a chocolate bar in one hand and a manila envelope in the other.

"This came for you, big brother," Mokuba said cheerfully, simultaneously handing him the manila envelope and taking a bite of chocolate.

Deciding to forego any useless 'it's too close to dinner to be eating junk' remarks, Kaiba turned the envelope over. It was unmarked. His brow furrowed; odd. If Mokuba hadn't been standing in front of him, he'd immediately think it was a ransom note. But Mokuba was the only person he cared about. If someone wanted to kidnap Moto, they could _have_ him.

"Who dropped it off?" he asked, assuming it couldn't have come in the mail.

"She said I shouldn't tell you," Mokuba informed him gleefully, taking another mouthful of chocolate.

Well. This was even odder. He tore off the top of the envelope and pulled out… a picture.

Of himself.

Sopping wet.

Taken only a few hours ago.

He spotted Wheeler in the background of the photo, just starting to look panicked. His glare intensified. Flipping the picture over, he saw two words neatly scribbled: 'Airhead, huh?'

Airhead? What? Who had he-

Lifting his gaze slowly, his eyes fell upon the chocolate bar Mokuba was eating. It was the same brand as the stuff Téa had made him eat two nights ago. And then he remembered. _'For a bubbly airhead cheerleader… you have potential._'

He didn't mean _this_ kind of potential! Not when it was used against him!

"There's only one thing to do," he mumbled, ignoring the way Mokuba bounded forward and snatched up the photograph. "She's going to pay."

And then he abruptly looked up, just in time to hear Mokuba giggle hysterically and to see a mane of black hair disappearing around the corner: "Mokuba! Get back here with that picture!"

x

x

"You were right. He did try to hide in the locker."

Téa allowed herself an evil grin of triumph. "And you guys did it?"

"Oh yeah," Duke said with a laugh. "You should have _heard_ how mad he was getting, but I guess he forgot he was _locked_ in there."

"You _did_ call someone, right?" Serenity asked worriedly.

"Don't worry," Téa assured her. "I sent the janitor right by my locker. When Joey sees him, he's sure to bang on the door again and he'll be let out."

"Good," Serenity sighed.

"And now for your payment!" Téa said, clapping her hands and smiling wickedly.

"Excellent," Tristan laughed, accepting the photograph she handed him. He examined the shot of Kaiba, dripping wet, and panicked-Joey in the background. Téa gave Serenity and Duke a copy each. "I'm going to frame this," Tristan said thoughtfully.

Duke snorted in laughter. "Hey, how many did you make of these?" he asked Téa idly.

"Oh… not that many…" she threw a glance over her shoulder to where two neat stacks about half an inch high were piled.

"Are all those of Kaiba?" Serenity asked with wide eyes.

"No, no, of course not," Téa said, waving her hands and looking innocent.

'_Nope… one stack is of Joey in Duke's dog suit._

_'Woof, woof indeed._

_'This is gonna be fun. Practical jokes are addicting.'_


	4. Joey and Kaiba

Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

x

x

Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: I think I'm drifting even more romance-ish. It's just too easy. Téa flirts with Kaiba because it gets under his skin (not to mention Joey's)- and, maybe in the future, vice-versa.

Dedication: To Mamono again, because I swear it's all your fault I got into SetoTéa. And to Dragon's 1 Girl, because of what I forgot on September 15… ::shifty eyes:: There's one line in here in particular that's dedicated to you. You'll know what it is.

x

x

Téa stepped onto school grounds and was blasted with the iciest glare capable of a human being. Actually, it was worse than that, since she highly doubted Seto Kaiba was a human. She could practically feel the frost crawling over her skin.

So she turned up the heat. Slowly pivoting, she cocked her head to the side and tossed her hair a little, giving him a long stare from under her lashes. When his cold gaze glazed over slightly in confusion, she gave him a small wave and flounced away. With utmost casualty, she strolled into the building- and as soon as she passed through the doors, broke into a frantic run to her first period Algebra class.

He was going to _kill_ her when he stepped through those doors.

If Joey didn't beat him to it.

x

x

"Tristan, I'm gonna kill you!"

"People in this day and age are so bloodthirsty," Tristan said, worriedly backing away from Joey. Joey, adhering to school rules- absolutely no Weapons of Mass or Minor Destruction allowed on campus- wasn't brandishing the machine gun or steak knife the blonde doubtless wanted, but was wielding their Literature book menacingly enough. Honestly, Tristan was convinced that some of those awful poems could _kill_.

"What were you doing with my little sister?" Joey breathed through clenched teeth.

"Huh?" Tristan asked intelligently.

"I saw you yesterday, brick-head!" Joey yelped, making a lunge at Tristan. Tristan threw himself to the left and ended up on a classmate's lap. Joey went sprawling across the desk and dropped the Literature book on the floor. Yugi stepped in the room and glanced around briefly, before shaking his head in resignation and calmly taking a seat next to Téa.

"Did you see the hallway?" he asked in a whisper. "Who do you think did that?"

Téa's blue eyes were wide and dripping with innocence. "That's a very good question, Yugi. Hmm. Very interesting. I wonder." He shot her a strange look, but she refocused her attention on Joey and Tristan.

Tristan was climbing out of their classmate's lap, after verifying that it wasn't a hot female but rather an irritated member of the football team. Joey rolled over off the desk and onto the floor.

"Yesterday I was with Téa," Tristan said quickly, holding his hands up in a truce sign.

"Huh?" Joey asked, freezing in mid-lunge for the fallen Literature book.

"No kidding. Téa and I were at the arcade all day."

"Wha-at?" Joey turned promptly to Téa with his eyebrows raised, obviously expecting her to say that Tristan was lying so he could commence with the pummeling.

"We were at the arcade all day," Téa lied through a beaming smile. She'd prepared this very thoroughly beforehand. Each time Joey lied to her, she would give him one lie back. After all, lying blatantly without cause was immoral. But lying as payback was just fine.

Good grief, was her logic being twisted or what?

Yes, practical jokes were very addicting. As were lies.

"All day?"

"All day," Téa clarified, deciding that this didn't count as two lies. After all, it was the _same_ lie.

What had Joey done to merit this, you wonder?

_'Joey, you've never tried to spy on any girl in the shower, have you?'_

_Caught completely off guard in the middle of devouring a slice of cherry pie, Joey choked. He was holding the plate right before his face, and when he twitched, he got a face full of gooey fruit. Téa watched calmly._

_''Course not!' Joey spat out, causing some red juice to slide down his chin. Téa merely nodded and handed Joey a napkin._

_But did he really think Mai hadn't told her what he and Tristan did at Duelist Kingdom?_

_Of course, she'd profusely thanked the older Duelist, as well as the (slightly) saner Yugi._

Joey had lied about not trying to spy on any girl- and her specifically- in the shower. So she was lying back about where Tristan had been the day before. She'd consider things even and think no more on corrupt ethnics.

And of course, Tristan was going to be getting a little Just Desserts of his own.

"But he left for about half an hour right after school, right?" Joey asked disbelievingly.

"No," Téa said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "We left right after school and were there until about dinnertime."

Yugi was no longer paying attention; he'd turned in his seat to watch the students entering the classroom. They all wore amused grins on their face and immediately searched the room for Joey. The blonde, for his part, ignored their stares and was gaping from Tristan to Téa. He'd _seen_ Tristan… but Téa always told the truth…

"Did you see the press conference yesterday?"

"With Duke Devlin, right?"

"Yeah, he was talking about his new version of Dungeon Dice Monsters. That game's really catching on!"

"I think I saw that. It was really good. That was the one on right after school, right?"

"Uh-huh. It was filmed live over in Canterbury."

The two girls continued on their way, chatting merrily, while Joey was left frozen and Téa hid a smile of triumph. This was too easy. Stacey and Hannah were in Drama Club- incidentally, their rehearsal had been interrupted by a rampaging Seto Kaiba the previous day. Once Téa convinced them that it was partly Joey's fault by being Kaiba's intended target, and that they could get revenge on him for wrecking their rehearsal, they were all too eager to go along- even if they didn't understand exactly _why_ acting out that short skit Téa'd written would help.

Whoever said she didn't cover her tracks well? Tristan had an airtight alibi in her, and Duke had an airtight alibi since he was supposed to be doing a live conference in a town a half-hour away at the time of the supposed 'crime'. Joey wouldn't know what hit him, and he'd never think to check and discover that this supposed press-conference was completely made-up.

Maybe she should consider becoming a lawyer.

Or a professional criminal.

She grinned savagely. Joey still looked lost. "But… I saw… you and Devlin and Serenity…"

"Joey, have you been feeling well lately?" Yugi asked worriedly. Excellent. She now had Yugi's unwitting help.

"I don't know," Joey mumbled, finally giving up and throwing himself dramatically into a desk. "I was locked in a locker yesterday."

"You were locked in a locker _and_ you put on that dog suit?" someone passing by asked, breaking into a gale of giggles.

"Say _wha__-at_?" Joey asked, bolting up.

"You were locked in a locker?" Yugi asked, his gaze drifting towards the phone. Téa would be willing to bet he was considering calling for mental help for Joey.

"What about Devlin's dog suit?" Joey asked angrily, looking around. The classroom fell oddly silent, punctuated only broken a few sparse giggles or snorts. Finally, Tristan spoke up.

"Dude. Didn't you look around when you came in?"

"Aah… no, actually," Joey said, deflating. "I ran straight here to kill you."

"Oh, good…" Tristan said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "I suggest you go outside and have a look-see, Joe."

Confused, Joey uncertainly walked to the door and exited. Téa snuck a peek at the clock; they still had two minutes before class started. Perfect. That was plenty enough time for Joey to get a good look at what she'd done, but not enough time for him to piece things together and strangle her.

Unfortunately, Kaiba swept in just then, looking furious. Téa cringed involuntarily. _He_ knew perfectly well that she'd been behind the practical joke the day before, as well as what she'd done to the hallways today.

"Gardner! I am going to _KILL _you!" he barked, striding over until he was directly in front of her.

"Mister Kaiba!"

Téa had never been so grateful to see her Algebra teacher before. In fact, she'd never been grateful to see Ms Bruinski, period. Ms Bruinski was a frighteningly tall and large gray-haired, imperious woman with a penchant for hours upon hours of homework. But now she was looming in the doorway, glowering at Seto Kaiba and the death threat he'd just delivered to a perfectly good victim- that is, math student.

"Mister Kaiba," Ms Bruinski said sternly, advancing. Téa could have sworn she saw Kaiba's Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed tightly. "I do not appreciate your threatening any of my students or your classmates. I don't know what Miss Gardner has done to you, but you will handle it with her _privately_, _out_ of class."

"Forgot his birthday, probably," someone called out. Téa rolled her eyes.

"What do you get someone like Kaiba?" another person wondered aloud before said Kaiba whipped around and fixed them with a menacing glare.

And the wheels in Téa's head started turning…

"Come up to the board, Mister Kaiba, and do the problems from yesterday's homework," Ms Bruinski said as the bell rang.

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "You think I did my homework?"

"Then borrow someone's book and do them on the board impromptu," she said sharply, glaring at him. She hated people who didn't do their homework.

"Fine," Kaiba grumbled, giving in. He couldn't afford to fail math- like he'd consent to being held back a year!- and Ms Bruinski was exactly the kind of teacher who _would_ fail him if he refuse to do these lame problems on the board. Besides, it shouldn't take him that long. He was well ahead of the class. "What were the numbers?" he asked flatly, yanking Tristan's math book out of his hands and ignoring the brunet's protests.

"Three through thirty-seven," she answered calmly, leafing through papers.

"What?" Kaiba protested. He sounded oddly like he was whining, but that had to be a mistake. Kaiba Didn't Whine. That was an important enough fact of life to merit capital letters. "Thirty-four problems? You must be nuts! That could take all class!"

That was another mistake. Kaiba Didn't Call People 'Nuts'. Or rather, Kaiba Shouldn't Call People 'Nuts'. There were plenty more sophisticated insults that would make him seem like less of a kid.

"We have all class, Mister Kaiba," Ms Bruinski said placidly, folding her hands and gazing at the board. "Get to work."

Grumbling under his breath, Kaiba flipped the book open to the chapter they'd been working on the previous day and began putting the selected numbers from the chapter review up on the board. Just then, the door flew open and Joey stood breathing heaving, looking messy and slightly upset over something.

"Mister Wheeler, welcome to Algebra," Ms Bruinski sighed, rubbing her temples. "Well, Mister Kaiba, it looks like you won't have to put up all thirty-four problems on the board. Mister Wheeler will assist you."

"Huh?" Joey asked blankly, while Kaiba snapped, "I don't need help from a mutt!"

"The homework. The board. _Now_," she shot angrily, rising from her seat and rapping her knuckles on the desk. Téa settled back and watched the show thoughtfully, her eyes glinting.

After much jostling and shoving and muttering and exchanges of insults, Kaiba had gotten two problems up on the board. Joey had started the first one. The class was sniggering at the both of them, compounded by the decorations Téa had put up all over the hallway. And Ms Bruinski had lost her patience.

"It has been nearly fifteen minutes," she snapped, looking at the clock. "Mister Kaiba and Mister Wheeler, sit back down. You will both serve detention with me today."

Instead of protesting, Kaiba slammed the chalk down, broke it in half, muttered "Overgrown witch," and stomped back to his seat like a first-grader. Joey looked helplessly at the board, scribbled a big 'X' over Kaiba's side, and put the chalk back down and scurried back to his desk, where he proceeded to pretend he was invisible. Ms Bruinski gave the board a careful once-over and erased all of it.

"Now," she said as calmly as she could manage. "Let's have someone who knows what they're doing put a problem on the board." She ran a finger down the problems she'd assigned. "Twenty-seven is a good one. Do I have a volunteer to do number twenty-seven?"

Primly, Téa raised her hand.

"Miss Gardner," Ms Bruinski said with obvious relief. "Wonderful."

Téa rose from her seat and picked up her careful and neat math homework, quickly putting the problem up on the board. She could feel twin scowls on her back- Joey's You're-such-a-goody-two-shoes scowl, and Kaiba's You're-meat-Gardner scowl.

But as far as she was concerned, guilt was a thing of the past. Forget it- this was too much fun!

x

x

"Wheeler," Kaiba said, breaking the silence. Ms Bruinski's idea of 'detention' was to put them in a room, order them to be silent, and waddle off to have a donut.

"Whaddya want, Kaiba?" Joey muttered.

"I take it you've seen the hallway?"

It was a stupid question, really. They'd both seen the hallway. It was kind of impossible to miss.

The second you entered the building, Joey's beaming face greeted you. Rather, his normally-beaming face. Because at the time the picture had been taken, he was rather dismal due to his imprisonment in Duke's dreaded dog-suit.

While Kaiba normally would have thoroughly enjoyed himself at Wheeler's expense, scattered throughout pictures of the Mutt were photographs of himself the previous day, drenched and scowling and looking ridiculous.

So while Kaiba normally would have commended Téa, he was going to murder her instead.

"You mean the giant signs that say 'Have School Spirit! Come to the pep rally hosted by Joey the Wonder Dog and Seto "Sopping" Kaiba!'?"

Yes, there were those too.

"Obviously," Kaiba retorted sharply.

"Yeah, Kaiba. Duh. I've seen them."

"You know who put them up, right?" Kaiba asked, choosing to ignore Wheeler's insolence.

"Duke, I guess," Joey said, making a face. "He was the one who put me in the dog suit, after all. I would've thought it'd be you, but you looked just as stupid as I do."

_Don't smack Wheeler. That's not the best way to get him to cooperate._

"_Think_, please," Kaiba ground out, very proud of his obvious self-control. "How did Duke get that picture of me?"

Joey's brow furrowed, and Kaiba heaved a sigh. "As far as I know," Joey began slowly, "The only person who would have had that picture was the one who helped me plan the prank…"

"Gardner," Kaiba finished, gratified to see the gears in Joey's head were finally starting to click together. "Who, by the way, got that picture of you from the Internet. That duel was videotaped live and the tape was available on-line; it was a cinch to make a still-shot."

"So Téa…"

"Is the only bubbly cheerleader-type in the school who would advertise those pictures as a pep rally," Kaiba broke in scornfully.

"_Téa_?"

"Who broke into your house a few nights ago and hid your food in the backyard," Kaiba told him, smirking.

"What? Téa? No way! How would _you_ know?"

"I helped," Kaiba said without missing a beat. "But it was her idea. After all, who else knows where you hide the spare house-key?"

Joey's mouth fell open, but Kaiba mercilessly plowed on. "And by the way? As I was leaving school yesterday, I happened to spot a certain trio, entering the building. They didn't spot me, but I overheard them- Devlin. Taylor. And your sister. You want to take a stab at what they were talking about?" Kaiba didn't wait for Joey to answer, but continued. "Some 'plan of Téa's'."

"But-" Joey protested. "They couldn't have been there. Tristan was at the arcade with Téa!"

"The one who orchestrated the whole event? You really think she'd hesitate to lie to you?"

"And Duke was doing a press conference over in Canterbury!"

"Bull. I monitor all potential rivals closely. His last press conference was a week ago, and he doesn't have another one scheduled for at least a month."

Finally. The light was dawning in that dim brain of Wheeler's.

x

x

Tristan, humming to himself- he'd stayed out of detention while Joey had landed himself in it; that was always a good day- swung open his locker door to dump his books.

A little plastic Duel Monster stared back at him. Tristan stared back. Then squinted at it. Then blinked.

He picked the figurine up and turned it over several times. Nothing jumped out at him. There was nothing particularly distinctive about it.

So why had someone put a miniature Mad Sword Beast in his locker?

Shrugging, he slammed the door and carried the plastic Duel Monster out with him. The single sharp spike on top of its forehead dug into his palm, and something vaguely symbolic was tugging at his mind, but he ignored it.

Whatever.

x

x

"Téa planned all this?" Joey gasped. "But _why_?"

"Give me a break, Wheeler," Seto said, rolling his eyes. "You can't honestly tell me you've _never_ done anything to offend her. Sometimes I can hardly blame her."

"But she's not the 'revenge' type!" Joey protested.

"Please. You should really learn to stop categorizing people. Gardner has the same malicious streak any of us have." He paused, thinking. "Except perhaps Yugi, who is too wimpy for his own good…" he said grudgingly.

Joey snorted. "You kidding? Yugi has a malicious streak a mile long. Or rather, five feet high. We like to call him 'Yami', or if you wanna be technical, 'Spirit of the Puzzle'."

"Bull."

"What?"

"Forget it, Wheeler," Seto spat. "You're hopeless. If you'd forget about all this magic nonsense and just _listen_ to me for a second-"

The door swung open. They immediately shut their mouths, expecting to see the cranky Ms Bruinski. They did _not_ expect to see ten or twelve of their most annoying/exuberant of their classmates, crowded around the doorway and beaming at Kaiba.

_"Haaa-appy Birthday to you,_

_Happy Birthday to you,_

_Happy Birthday dear SE-TO!_

_Happy Birthday to yooooouuu!"_

Téa crouched out in the hallway, safely out of sight, full of self-satisfaction. If she were into justification, she could say that she was doing this to boost Kaiba's self-esteem and let him know people cared. If she were into being honest, this was absolutely hilarious. She peeked around the doorway briefly. The look on his face was priceless!

It had been a cinch to get people to agree with this. Thanks to the comment someone made in the middle of class, everyone thought she'd forgotten Kaiba's birthday. So she issued a plea to her classmates to cheer him up, get him whatever presents they could find on such short notice, and then run.

Someone had gone one step further- they had Foods the last period of the day, and made Kaiba a cake.

Chocolate, as Téa requested. With pink frosting, as she'd also requested.

Hector was a genius with frosting, too, and he'd sketched a pretty decent Red-Eyes Black Dragon on the cake with food gel.

She listened as the various classmates who had been dumb enough- brave enough- to participate deposited their gifts on Kaiba's desk. Then they quickly began filing out. Téa strained to hear something, but Kaiba wasn't saying anything. She was pretty sure that heavy breathing, the sound of someone just barely holding back their homicidal urges, was him though.

Grinning in satisfaction, she joined the rest of her classmates in hurrying off the school grounds before Ms Bruinski released the now-homicidal Kaiba from detention.

x

x

A History book… three pencils… a homemade card formed out of construction paper folded in half… a piece of ribbon (what did they expect him to do with _that_?)… some extremely common Duel Monster cards… and a ruler.

And, of course, that stupid cake.

Kaiba struggled to control his breathing, while Joey picked through his presents. "You gonna use these pencils? I keep losing mine."

_"It's not my birthday!"_ he exploded, his face turning dark, angry red. "This was Gardner again!"

"Hey, I think it was pretty cool," Joey said, now examining the cake with great interest.

"She _will_ pay," Kaiba vowed, clenching his fists compulsively.

"Heh, I don't know what you're so mad about," Joey said, leaning back in his seat. "I'd like it if someone randomly gave me a cake."

"It's poisoned," Kaiba grumbled, giving into the haunting paranoia.

"Whatever. So can I have the pencils?"

"Take them," Kaiba said shortly, shoving everything else away and letting it clatter to the floor. The cake he left on top of the next desk. "Look, Wheeler. Gardner seems hell-bent on embarrassing me, and she's sure done a job on you." Joey frowned. "You're going to let her get away with this?" Kaiba pressed on.

"Well, what do you suggest we _do_, genius?" Joey asked sarcastically. Kaiba wasn't sure if he was forgetting or not that yes, Seto was a genius.

"Prank her back. Of course."

Joey frowned again. "I thought you two were dating or something!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "Good grief, Wheeler! You really are dense! We _faked_ that to get under your skin."

Joey's jaw dropped for approximately the thirtieth time that hour. Kaiba gritted his teeth. "Okay, I know you'd never hurt your precious friend. But as Téa has so clearly espoused, a little revenge never hurt anyone. And seeing as Téa doesn't know _you_ know we faked our date-" (that had probably gone over Wheeler's head) "-here's what I propose we do…"

x

x

"So we have a deal?" Seto asked, leaning back in his chair and confident in his managing skills. He never thought he'd be making a truce with the Mutt. But it was for a good cause- revenge on Téa- and besides…

Who ever said he wasn't going to be inflicting a little psychological damage to Wheeler along the way?

"I suppose…" Joey said slowly. He never thought the day would come when he'd team up with Kaiba, much less to get back at Téa. But she'd completely fooled him… maybe she deserved a taste of her own medicine by now.

Besides, there would be no better golden opportunity to prank Kaiba. Ha!- why did Kaiba think he could trust him the day after Joey had beamed him with the water gun?

"Good." Kaiba put out his hand to shake, then thought better of it. He didn't want to catch fleas, after all. "I'll hold you to your word," he said sternly, then rose.

"Earth to Kaiba? We're still in detention," Joey said, rolling his eyes.

Kaiba snorted. "She's left us here for an hour," he pointed out, and a startled Joey glanced at the clock. "I bet you anything she's forgotten about us."

"Heh, you're probably right," Joey said, jumping up and beginning to cram his stuff into his backpack. Kaiba stoically picked up his briefcase, then as an afterthought picked up the accursed cake. He'd dearly love to smash it on top of Wheeler's head, but that probably wasn't the best way to secure Wheeler's help.

Waitasecond. Did he just say he needed Wheeler's help? What was this world _coming_ to?

Bother that. He'd _use_ Wheeler, then completely crush him.

Good plan.

Kaiba walked out into the hallway, ignoring Wheeler trotting at his heels like the puppy he was. His attention, however, _was_ diverted when Yugi bounced up.

"Hiya, Joey!" Yugi said brightly. "Did you have a good time in detention?" (As one, Joey and Kaiba snorted, then glared at each other.) "I figured I'd wait for you here, and maybe we can hang out after school or something, because I did all my homework in the library and I have lots of free time and you said you wanted to watch that video on Duel Monsters that Grandpa got-"

He was interrupted by a chocolate-cake-with-pink-frosting-and-a-picture-of-Red-Eyes being firmly smacked across his head. Releasing the plate, Kaiba watched with satisfaction as it dripped down Yugi's stunned face and onto the floor.

"See you in school tomorrow," he said calmly, shifted his briefcase from his left hand to his right hand, and walked out the door, never looking back.

"What'd I do?" Yugi asked plaintively.

Joey shrugged. "Search me," he said, scooping a fingerful of frosting out of Yugi's hair. He stuck it in his mouth: "Man, this stuff is good!" He bent down and picked up a larger piece off the floor. "Five second rule," he grinned before shoving a hunk into his mouth.

"It's been there a lot longer than five seconds," Yugi pouted, trying to wipe the pink frosting out of his eyes.

"And rules are made to be broken."

Ah yes… they were certainly making a career out of breaking rules. And morals. And possibly hearts. And whatever ethics any of them had in the first place, which was ironic because Téa was probably the only one with good ethics.

Nothing was sacred anymore. This was war.


	5. Téa's turn?

Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

x

x

Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: I'd been wrestling with this issue ever since last chapter- I don't want my characters to be nasty. I want them to be mischievous, light, and having a good time (except Seto Kaiba, who doesn't know the definition of 'fun'). Please bear that in mind as you read this chapter- which, this time for real, is the last one. Thanks, everyone, it's been great!

x

x

Téa arrived at school early, struggling to resist the temptation to shoot paranoid glances over her shoulder every two seconds. It wouldn't do to constantly be jumpy today, but honestly- she'd have to be pretty stupid not to expect some form of retaliation. Joey and Kaiba were sure to be out to get her, and maybe even Tristan if he ever figured out who put the Mad Sword Beast in his locker- and if he ever figured out what it was supposed to mean.

She walked down the halls slowly, lost in thought- how soon would they pull themselves together? What kind of prank would they pull? Joey she thought she could handle- there was nothing unfamiliar about his style, but Kaiba was a new card. He'd probably try and use his technology, just like he'd done to Joey.

Murmured voices filtered down from the side hallway, and curiosity drew her in. As far as she knew, the only things down there were the janitor's office and the boiler room, and these were distinctly young voices. And as she got closer, they became _distinct_ voices, period. But what could Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler have to talk about?

"Come on, don't be an idiot," Kaiba said in exasperation. She could practically feel him grit his teeth. "_Téa_ was the one who pranked you."

"Why should I believe a word you say, Kaiba?" Joey demanded. She suppressed a snort.

"Give me a break, Wheeler. The evidence is there. Just use your _brain_!" A pause: "You know, never mind."

"Hey!" Joey stomped his foot. "What're you trying to frame your girlfriend for, anyway?"

"Wheeler. Listen to me very closely. She's _not_ my girlfriend."

"…Huh?"

"Wheeler. Do I have to spell it out for you? Téa doesn't like me. She _pretended_ she did to get under your skin!"

"Yeah, right," Joey snorted. "If you two weren't going out, there's no way you would have gone along with something like that."

Seto groaned aloud. "Please. I can't even believe I have to say this to you. You are the most hopeless excuse for a human being I've ever known. …Mutt."

"Waaatch it…"

"Listen, Wheeler. _I love her_. Get the picture now?"

Whoa. Téa caught herself just in time. It wouldn't do to go falling on the floor.

"Umm… no. Not really."

Seto resisted the urge to bash his head into the wall. "I am in love with Téa Gardner. I spent an hour and a half locked in the bathroom with Téa Gardner, plotting against you. I spent a night carrying out some of those pranks with Téa Gardner. Téa Gardner then turned around and pranked the both of us. _Get it_?"

"Are you serious?" Joey's awed voice asked. Téa's brow furrowed.

"Obviously, Wheeler."

"Huh. Geez. Waitasec- if you're so much in love with Téa, why are you telling me she pulled these pranks on me?"

"Because I made the error of thinking you'd figure things out for yourself," Seto groused. "And I wanted to make some things very clear before you did."

"Oh yeah? Wazzat?"

Seto took a deep, careful breath. "I assumed," he said carefully, "That you would want to retaliate on your friend. I expected that you would want to prank her back, and I wish to lay some ground rules. First- I ordered some flowers for Téa. That, and any other gifts I choose to bestow on her, will not be _touched_ by you."

"Oh yeah! I need to prank her back!"

"That obviously went right over your head."

"Okay, okay, don't mess with your gifts. Geez. I wish _I_ had a rich boyfriend to slather presents on me."

There was a dead silence in which Téa attempted to muffle her snort.

"Girlfriend, I mean," Joey amended.

"Never mind. I'm going to pretend you didn't say anything at all."

"Gotcha. So don't touch the presents. Next?"

Seto hesitated. "That was about it," he admitted. "Just don't get in my way, Wheeler."

"But you don't care if I prank her?" Joey wondered aloud.

Seto smirked. Téa, around the corner, could practically _feel_ it. "Well… since she won't know I had any previous knowledge of it…"

"Jerk."

"I wouldn't talk, Wheeler."

"You say you're in love with her, but you don't care if I prank her?"

"When you get right down to it, yes. That's right. After all, everything's fair in love and war, right?"

"I guess this is both," Joey agreed cheerfully.

Their conversation seemed to have been concluded with that, and Téa hurriedly scurried down the hall. Sooo… This was very interesting. And useful.

She ducked into the bathroom and examined her face in the mirror. Was it her imagination, or were her eyes sparkling a little more than yesterday? She shot herself a brilliant smile and smoothed her hair down, nervously twisting in front of the mirror and checking out her reflection. Today promised to be interesting.

She headed out of the restroom, eyes darting around. Kaiba and Joey were nowhere in sight. Slightly disappointed, Téa walked over to her locker, dropping her backpack carelessly on the ground as she reached for the combination and started spinning.

_34… 16…_

" 'Morning, Gardner," Seto drawled, draping himself in front of her. She glanced up at him, momentarily startled, then her eyes softened.

Kaiba didn't let any of his inner emotions leak onto his face, but he felt a surge of triumph. Just as planned, she'd overheard his conversation with Wheeler. Now she was convinced he was in love with her. He'd go about the day courting her and maneuvering her into situations where she'd be pranked, whereupon she'd blame Wheeler. Not only that, but the lavish gifts he'd be sending her all day were sure to humiliate her. Finally, at the end of the day, he'd invite her over to his house and unleash the Ultimate Prank- and he'd catch it all on videotape.

The first steps of the plans were already in action. A dozen red roses were sitting on her desk in first-period Algebra. He was showing preliminary interest in her. And her locker had been previously rigged. Check, check, check.

"Hi, Kaiba," Téa greeted calmly, turning the last number in her lock and taking a step back to examine him. "How are you today?"

"If you're expecting retaliation for yesterday… you're dead right," he told her coolly, taking a step forward so that he could tower over her and look intimidating. "Only, it's probably not in the way you think."

She lowered her eyes and looked up at him coyly. "Oh?" she asked, casually swinging the locker door open.

Seto barely had time to blink before a disgusting mixture of whipped cream and blue food coloring spurted all over his face, hair, and uniform. He opened his mouth to yell and got a nice fat glob on his tongue. "Pleh!" he spat, sputtering furiously. He waved his arms blindly, banged his fingers on the locker door, and finally got it to slam shut.

Téa regarded him with bland curiosity. "Was that your idea of retaliation?" she asked, not hiding her shock very well.

"Of- of course not!" he sputtered, spitting whipped cream on the floor. "Are you crazy? If that was my plan, why would I have gotten sprayed?!?"

Okay, the real question was, how could he have been dumb enough to stand in front of the locker door? He _knew _what would happen. He and Wheeler had arranged that last night (Joey knew Téa's locker number). What had gone wrong? He'd been so focused on intimidating Téa, he'd forgotten about the prank!

That was ridiculous. It was all because he was spending unnecessary time around Wheeler. Stupidity was contagious.

Glowering, he wheeled around and marched off to the bathroom, ignoring Téa. She stared after him, then shook her head.

She'd get Tristan to open her locker door and get rid of the spray can.

The only question was, should she tell him beforehand?

x

x

Téa walked calmly into class and sat next to Yugi. The poor boy was looking back and forth between Tristan and Kaiba, trying to figure out why they both had blue stains all over their faces. Joey walked in the classroom as she was taking her notebook out. His gaze went straight to Téa, and his brow furrowed; then his eyes drifted around the room and landed on Kaiba.

Seto shot Joey the coldest glare he could, _daring_ him to make a comment.

"Ha! What happened to _you_, Kaiba?"

…Joey never was one to turn down a dare.

"Oooh! What're _those_, Téa?"

Téa looked up to see Hannah from Drama Club. Hannah was leaning on Téa's desk, carefully fingering the delicate roses than had been left there. At least a dozen rosy blooms peeked out admits a spray of greenery. They were beautiful. "I don't know," she replied truthfully, although she had a very good idea. "Do you think someone left them here by accident?"

"They were on _your_ desk," Hannah pointed out. "Maybe they're for you! Is there a tag?"

"Let's see." Téa carefully picked the card out, making sure not to disturb the flowers. She read the inscription aloud: _"You're no airhead…_"

"What on earth?" Hannah asked, astonished. "Who'd write something like that?"

"Someone with absolutely no social skills and not a romantic bone in their body," Téa answered sweetly, deliberately not looking at Kaiba. She heard a pile of books go crashing to the ground, though- she'd be willing to lay money down that that was Kaiba's arm lashing out in irritation.

x

x

"I don't know, I think this _might_ be going a bit overboard," Hannah said at the end of the day.

Téa could only give an irritated grunt. She was laden under a pile of flowers, chocolates, two oversized stuffed animals, a handful of helium balloons, and now a silk dress was pinned up outside her locker. Someone had posted flowery poetry about her all over the school, and kids had been pointing and snorting at her all day.

This had definitely been an _odd_ day. There was the matter of all the extravagant and embarrassing gifts, first of all. Then in the middle of their language class, someone had removed the tile above Seto Kaiba's chair and thrown down a bucket of glitter, which proceeded to explode and shower him with golden sparkles. In Physical Education, they'd been playing tennis- Téa and Yugi versus Seto and Ryou Bakura. Seto served the ball directly at Téa; instead of hitting it she inexplicably ducked. It sailed over to the next court and exploded all over Joey and Tristan, showering them in a white dust that Ryou could only guess was chalk. To cap everything off, Yugi snuck off in the middle of last period. He'd returned five minutes later a few inches taller, with spikier hair, wielding a dark grin and a cake that he proceeded to smash across Seto Kaiba's face. He hadn't even been _punished_- Téa highly suspected he'd been messing with the teacher's mind. Literally, of course.

"It's _nice_, though," Hannah said, picking it up and holding it out so she could visualize it on Téa. She gave this up when she realized Téa's frame was completely hidden underneath the mass of presents she was stuck lugging around. "Real silk! Who has this kind of money to spend on you?" Téa merely rolled her eyes. Hannah whistled. "I'd sure like- hey, what's this?" She held the dress up closer. "Jesus! There's like two inches of padding around the chest of this thing!"

Téa's eyes widened and she sucked in a breath. Okay, what was going on here?! Joey was the only one crude enough to ever make a slight about wearing a padded bra- which was total _bull_. But Kaiba was the only one rich enough to shower money on her in the blink of an eye like this!

Hannah broke her out of her reverie. "Yikes! My bus is leaving!" She draped the dress over the rest of the pile in Téa's hands. "See you tomorrow, keep it real!" She dashed out the door, her backpack bouncing merrily.

Alone in the hallway, Téa groaned. She hadn't even thought about how she was going to get all this home. How was she supposed to bring it on the bus? And if she stopped to put anything in her locker, she'd miss it!

She had glumly resigned herself to walking home that day when the weight lifted from her arms. Blinking, she peered around the mass that had transferred itself to another person and saw Seto Kaiba smirking back at her.

"I thought you might like some help carrying all this," he said smoothly. "If you'd like, I'll bring it to my car and we can throw it in the backseat. I'll give you a ride home."

"Th-thanks, Kaiba," Téa said, slightly stunned. Well, well, well. It was rather ironic, actually, all things considered.

"So who do you think sent you all this?" he asked as they walked down the hallway. He was still mostly hidden from view behind the stuffed animals, but he turned his head to regard her with a cool look.

"I have no idea," she said lightly, staring right back. "Any guesses?"

He chuckled, and she swung open the door for him. They headed out into the parking lot, where Seto heaved all the gifts in the rear of his car. Téa threw her backpack in as an afterthought, and he carefully stowed his briefcase under the seat before slamming the door. Téa climbed in the passenger seat and Kaiba took his place in front of the wheel; starting the car they pulled away.

"Would you like to come to my house for a while?" Seto asked, his eyes glued to the road. "One of the maids made cookies for Mokuba. I'm sure he won't mind sharing."

Mentally rolling her eyes- that had to be the worst pick-up line in the history of pick-up lines- Téa smiled at him. "I'd love to," she answered sincerely.

Seto gave a slight nod, but inside he was smirking. He finally had her. The day, up until now, had completely _not_ gone according to plan.

The gifts had been pretty good, all things considered- Téa blushed bright red whenever she found another one and her classmates had taken to whistling and catcalling as she walked down the hall. But for whatever reason, everyone had switched seats around in language. The only desk available had been Téa's old one, and Seto had reluctantly taking it, figuring Wheeler would have enough common sense to make sure he had the proper target.

That was probably the dumbest mistake he'd ever made in his life. Why had he assumed Wheeler would have common sense??

In any case, he and Wheeler had planned that Joey would pry up the ceiling tile above Téa's desk and shower down that glitter. Seto had personally been all for acid or paste, but Joey didn't want to make his friend suffer _that_ much. And they'd both agreed that water was just way overdone.

They'd agreed on something. That was the second dumbest mistake.

The chalk-ball he'd substituted for the tennis ball had been a brilliant idea- he'd rigged it so it would explode exactly three seconds after first being hit with a racket. He'd hit it directly at Téa- and then she'd missed the shot. So it exploded all over Wheeler and Taylor instead.

But _that_ was the kind of mistake he could live with.

And then Yugi had to go pick today to be all vengeful. Go _figure_. Kaiba was going to crush him in a duel for that, and it didn't matter that he'd never been able to beat him before or that Seto had started the cake-wars in the first place. And of course, he couldn't forget his gaffe with the spray-can in the locker…

But despite all that, his final plan would go off without a hitch. The second he and Téa entered the mansion, he'd signal for the lights to go off and he'd slip away quietly. And the hologram program he'd written specifically for this would kick in and utterly baffle her! And he'd catch it all on tape! He snickered out loud, but luckily Téa didn't seem to notice.

They pulled in and walked to the front door; the second it closed behind them the lights went out.

But Kaiba wasn't entirely pleased; his brow furrowed in the darkness. It was pitch-black; he'd made sure no natural light entered. But he hadn't given the signal for the interior lights to go off. The remote control was still in his trenchcoat pocket.

Before he could move, a hand closed around his arm. "Kaiba," Téa whispered. "What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he said hurriedly, trying to pull away. "I think that-"

With a snap, the lights came back on. Téa looked considerably relieved. "What happened?"

"Hold it _right there_!"

The both of them jerked their heads up. Pegasus, cool, confident, and arrogant as ever was descending the stairs. "Don't move a muscle, Seto Kaiba," he said in a steely voice, jabbing a gun in the air for emphasis. "Your company will be mine."

_This can't be real._

"Are you nuts?" Kaiba asked, forgetting one of the main rules: Kaiba Shouldn't Call People 'Nuts', no matter how true it was.

"Quiet," Pegasus ordered sharply. "Or the dragon gets it." He pointed the gun at his own hand.

After a double-take, Kaiba realized Pegasus was only pointing the gun at something he held _in_ his hand, which put a bit of common sense back into a crazy situation. And then after a triple-take, he realized…

"My Blue Eyes White Dragon!" he said furiously. "What the- how did you take it?!?" His hand flew to his trenchcoat pocket, but when Pegasus barked at him he froze again.

"Don't move!" Pegasus told him, glaring. "Now… Kaiba. I believe we have some business to take care of."

Kaiba gritted his teeth silently.

"You will repeat after me: 'I love my Blue-Eyes'."

Both Téa and Kaiba stared at him. "I love my Blue-Eyes?" Kaiba asked blankly.

"Good, very good!" Pegasus said, sounding delighted. "Now: 'Blue Eyes Toon Dragon is _sooo_ much more cuddly than that nasty old Blue-Eyes'."

"Wait just a second here!" Kaiba snapped, suddenly very angry. "I don't know what kind of twisted game you're playing here, Pegasus, but stop mocking my dragons! The Blue Eyes White Dragons are precious to me, and I will not allow you to demean them or destroy their dignity!"

"Heeeey, Kaiba! Hey, Kaiba! Hey Kaiba hey Kaiba heyKaibaheyKaibaheyheyhey!"

Bouncing Funny Bunnies filled the room, all chanting the same message. "Hey Kaiba!"

Pegasus' face didn't twitch in the slightest. Téa put a hand to her mouth to hide a smile.

And then he knew.

"AAAARRRRGHHH!!!!" he bellowed. Abruptly, the holograms disappeared, leaving only him and Téa in the bare foyer.

Téa collapsed with laughter, sinking to the ground and throwing her head back. She laughed and laughed and laughed, her clear tones ringing throughout the household. Fists clenched, breathing heavily, Seto paced furiously back and forth, trying to sort things out in his head. At one point, his gaze fell on the video camera he'd rigged to catch _Téa_ looking like a fool and his eyes widened in shock. He'd have to destroy that film.

But how had she set up the holograms by herself?...

"I had help, of course," she said, finally getting her belly-laughter under control. "From Mokuba. He hacked into your system and rewrote it."

_Mokuba?_

No way. His little brother wouldn't…

Scratch that. Of _course_ he would.

But how had they known?

"I knew from the beginning that you were planning to prank me, Kaiba," she said, struggling to her feet and still wearing a wide grin. "Ever since I heard you and Joey talking this morning. It was all a set-up."

His jaw dropped.

"One. Joey would never have accepted that you were in love with me so readily." Téa wagged her finger playfully in Kaiba's stunned face. "Two. My theory proved true when I opened my locker door and that stuff sprayed out. That was directly after I overheard your conversation, in which Joey wasn't supposed to have realized I was behind the earlier practical jokes yet and you were supposedly in love with me and unwilling to prank me. Joey wouldn't have had time to set up the spray can while I was in the bathroom, if he even had something like that on him.

"And three. My favorite. Kaiba, please. You admitted that I wasn't an airhead. So how was I _not_ supposed to notice that the chocolates you left on my desk were stuffed with garlic? Not to mention the balloons were shaped like my head. Airhead. Haha. Right." She started laughing again, then composed herself enough to deliver the last of her speech. "So I called up Mokuba- as we both know, his school had a half-day today. He agreed to help me." She started laughing hysterically again, choking out, "He's probably in the control room right now, editing your footage! That should make one heck of a seller! 'My Blue-Eyes are precious to me!' "

Kaiba went slack-jawed. The little monster.

"You and Joey have both really gotten it in the last few days," Téa said in satisfaction, heading for the door. "Isn't life wonderful?" She winked at him, then bolted.

Seto remained alone in the foyer, trying to wrap his mind around everything. This was impossible. How had he been outdone so spectacularly?

"Hey, Kaiba!"

His whole body stiffening, Seto glanced over at the Funny Bunny hologram that had popped up once more. His eyes darted to the top of the stairs, where Mokuba stood, doubled over in giggles.

"Hey Kaiba!" Funny Bunny chanted, jumping up and whacking him on the nose.

Someone was going to pay. Too bad he'd already blown up the Duel Tower, because he could sure use another island to explode right about now.

x

x

_KaibaCorp's__ latest commercial, aired that Monday night during the six o'clock news_

'The Blue Eyes White Dragons are precious to me!' Seto Kaiba bellowed, standing in front of an imposed background of said roaring dragons.

"KaibaCorp. Where we believe in imagination and creativity," the voice-over said sweetly, with a hint of mocking in it. This was Téa's second real job.

'I love my Blue-Eyes," Seto said, his voice audio-enhanced to sound less flat and annoyed.

"KaibaCorp. If Seto Kaiba loves his dragons, you should too. So buy from us!"

x

_Sales shot up 7.9 percent that week_

x

_Lesson learned:_

_Téa Gardner always comes out on top._


End file.
